i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
