Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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