Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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