This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
