Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
