Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
