All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
