I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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