its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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