I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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