I cannot find my penis.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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