Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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