mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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