I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
