Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
