I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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