Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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