They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
