Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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