dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
