love makes seman taste better
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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