I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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