In America we eat man semen.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
