I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
