I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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