those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
