Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
