gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
