Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
