Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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