yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
