When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
