Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
