and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
