There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
