I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Duck Duck Cougar?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
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