Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
