The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize