His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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