I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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