I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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