Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
