I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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