Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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