Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
