I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
