seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
