Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize