I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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