I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
