Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize