I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize