I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Randomize
