you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
