My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
