You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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