Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
