bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm getting married
To pizza
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
